Shadows

I sit here in the shadows and keep my secrets unknown.  I think to myself, “Why? Why did I never speak up? Why did I never share my story to protect other women out there who will suffer?”  I know he has not changed.  Some people do not change… they just pick and choose what mask they want to put on for awhile. I know I can not protect each woman from his evilness, but I know I can be there for women who been through similar things I have.  

He appears charming at first.  His looks.  His smile.  His story of lies from his past to make you feel sympathy for him.  His made-up stories of how women he spoke to before you are all “crazy and will try to turn you against him.”

Hint: Not all women are evil and some try to protect other women from harm.  Girl code is everything. All you can do is warn a woman what she is about to get herself into. If she does not believe you, then all that can be done is hope that she gets out before too much damage is done to her heart and her life.  

I know his games.  I know how he works.  

He is a liar.  

He is a manipulator.

He is full of mind games.  

He is a monster.

As I sit here in the shadows.. I sit here in regret that I never tried harder to stop him.  The only excuse I have is that I was afraid.  I know what he is capable of and I was afraid he would do more damage to me.  

As I sit here in the shadows…

I get flashbacks of the nights he would punch walls or break old doors when he was angry.  Flashbacks of nasty things he would call me.  Flashbacks of “teaching me a lesson” by sitting on me until I could not breathe.  Flashbacks of him making me do things I never imagined I would do.. Just because I was so afraid of what he would do if I said “no.” Flashbacks of seeing him text and facetime other women right after he would tell me he loves me.

As I sit here in the shadows…

I cringe every time I hear his name. I feel anxiety and fear every time I see someone that looks like him.. thinking it is him for a moment.  I regret when I think about woman he is controlling, manipulating and lying to. I hold my breath when I smell something that smelled like him.

As I sit here in the shadows..

I have enrolled in college.  I have turned to therapy and still currently am.  I have started living life for me.. because I wasted too much time living for him. I have took that evil past of mine and let it turn me into a stronger person. I have found a passion in wanting to help others who have been in similar situations as me.  I decided that is what I want to pursue a career in.. I want to be a therapist for those who need guidance with their haunting stories that no one should have to ever go through.  I never thought this is what my present would be or my desires of future goals.  Sometimes, bad things lead to good and that there really is light at the end of the dark tunnel.

I know I have wounds yet to be healed… it takes time.  I will keep fighting to become someone I am truly proud to be.  I will keep fighting to gain confidence back.  I will keep learning how to deal when flashbacks occur.  I will keep reminding myself to ‘never allow my past to make me bitter, but to make me stronger.’

As I sit here in the shadows…

I hope to one day to let my past inspire other women to never be ashamed of their story… to not be scared to share it. I hope to help other women who been through the unspeakable and help regain themselves again.  I hope to be that person who women can turn to for guidance and safety.  I hope to be someone to help others find their happiness again and never ever feel alone.. I hope to be someone who helps others find the light to their dark tunnels.  

As I sit here in the shadows…

I know Us.. Women.. need to stand together and help one another in any way we can. Protect one another. Be there for one another.  Love one another.  And help one another find their light. No one deserves to go through hell alone… There is too much violence in this world and women need to stick together. Together… us women can overcome anything.