Wake Up Call

*logs on Twitter*

"I am going to be single forever."
*Who cares if you are single forever? There are so many single men and women out there who are happy living their lives to the fullest.*

"Cannot wait until I find someone who truly loves me."
*Stop wasting all your energy on people who do not put the same amount of energy on you. Stop chasing people who do not deserve you. More importantly, stop chasing "love" and let true love find you while you are living life.*

"Really want a boyfriend who will go on adventures with me."
*You do not need a boyfriend in order to go on adventures.  Call a friend up.  OR.. go alone.  Sometimes, it is nice to do things alone.*

*Gets Annoyed*
*Logs off Twitter*

We are all too obsessed with the idea of "love."  We obsess over it and when love does come around, we do not know what to do or how to handle it.  That is a lesson being shown that we need to love ourselves before we can love someone else.  We sit here and say we deserve love when we have not truly learned to love our soul, body and mind. 

We may sit here and say "I deserve better than her/him.." As you say this, you still constantly stalk their social media and obsess over the 'could haves and should have.'  I know it is easier said than done to realize your worth, but if you do not realize your worth.. then who else will?

We sit here and criticize our bodies...
"My stomach is too fat."
"My body is too boney."
"My arms are too muscular."
"My legs are too big."

If we cannot learn to love ourselves in our own skin, who else will?
Post notes around your room to boost your self-confidence like...
"I am beautiful." "I am handsome." "I am worthy."
Once you realize your body is beautiful just the way it is... you will realize that no one has the right to comment on your body or say that they "own" it.
If you are truly not happy with your body.. stop criticizing yourself and act on it.
Exercise. Run. Eat healthier. Pamper yourself.

We all have things mentally we need to work on whether it is life issues, overcoming a disorder, working on loving ourselves, moving on from the past. We need to take care of ourselves not just physically, but mentally.  A relationship is not going to solve your problems in your life... You fighting for yourself is..
Write in a journal.  Start therapy sessions. Do activities that help you relax and think things through (the answer is not drinking!!)

Stop worrying about why some people do not like you or do not want to be in relationships with you and begin working on yourself by taking care of you mentally and physically.  A relationship should not complete your happiness.  It should add on to your happiness you had before meeting him/her.

I cannot stress it enough.. you need to love yourself first before you can love others.  Your health mentally and physically is way more important than obsessing over people who do not deserve you.

Start living for YOU!

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I never craved love and never obsessed over people who do not deserve because I have.. Once I started living for myself, I realized I do not need someone in order to be happy and being single is a great thing. 

Some things that helped me that I hope could help you realize that being single is OK and not end of the world:
-Sit in a coffee shop alone and just enjoy each sip of your frappe without having to constantly check your phone.
-Block him/her from your social media. Block people that are reminders of him/her.  You do not need those constant reminders that brought you disappointment in your life at one point.
-Delete those pictures.. just do it. I promise you will feel better afterwards.
-Go to those places that remind you of him/her and make new memories there with friends who deserve to be in your life. The next time you go that place, your mind will not think of him/her, your mind will be reminded of the good times.
-Stop listening to songs that remind you of those bad memories. If it starts playing on the radio, change the station.. do not torture yourself by listening to it and it bringing you back memories.
-Try new things.. take a painting class.. go hiking.. go kayaking.. try a new sport.
-Stop blaming yourself. You cannot change the past.. only learn from it. Use past experiences as lessons for the future on what not to do or what to really do.
-Make changes.. whether it is reorganizing your room or trying something new with your hair.  Change is good.
-Stop throwing yourself pity-parties.  Those get you nowhere. Leave the past behind and focus on the present.  There is something good in each experience you been through.

Stop obsessing over love and start obsessing over you.. take care of yourself, darling.

Shadows

I sit here in the shadows and keep my secrets unknown.  I think to myself, “Why? Why did I never speak up? Why did I never share my story to protect other women out there who will suffer?”  I know he has not changed.  Some people do not change… they just pick and choose what mask they want to put on for awhile. I know I can not protect each woman from his evilness, but I know I can be there for women who been through similar things I have.  

He appears charming at first.  His looks.  His smile.  His story of lies from his past to make you feel sympathy for him.  His made-up stories of how women he spoke to before you are all “crazy and will try to turn you against him.”

Hint: Not all women are evil and some try to protect other women from harm.  Girl code is everything. All you can do is warn a woman what she is about to get herself into. If she does not believe you, then all that can be done is hope that she gets out before too much damage is done to her heart and her life.  

I know his games.  I know how he works.  

He is a liar.  

He is a manipulator.

He is full of mind games.  

He is a monster.

As I sit here in the shadows.. I sit here in regret that I never tried harder to stop him.  The only excuse I have is that I was afraid.  I know what he is capable of and I was afraid he would do more damage to me.  

As I sit here in the shadows…

I get flashbacks of the nights he would punch walls or break old doors when he was angry.  Flashbacks of nasty things he would call me.  Flashbacks of “teaching me a lesson” by sitting on me until I could not breathe.  Flashbacks of him making me do things I never imagined I would do.. Just because I was so afraid of what he would do if I said “no.” Flashbacks of seeing him text and facetime other women right after he would tell me he loves me.

As I sit here in the shadows…

I cringe every time I hear his name. I feel anxiety and fear every time I see someone that looks like him.. thinking it is him for a moment.  I regret when I think about woman he is controlling, manipulating and lying to. I hold my breath when I smell something that smelled like him.

As I sit here in the shadows..

I have enrolled in college.  I have turned to therapy and still currently am.  I have started living life for me.. because I wasted too much time living for him. I have took that evil past of mine and let it turn me into a stronger person. I have found a passion in wanting to help others who have been in similar situations as me.  I decided that is what I want to pursue a career in.. I want to be a therapist for those who need guidance with their haunting stories that no one should have to ever go through.  I never thought this is what my present would be or my desires of future goals.  Sometimes, bad things lead to good and that there really is light at the end of the dark tunnel.

I know I have wounds yet to be healed… it takes time.  I will keep fighting to become someone I am truly proud to be.  I will keep fighting to gain confidence back.  I will keep learning how to deal when flashbacks occur.  I will keep reminding myself to ‘never allow my past to make me bitter, but to make me stronger.’

As I sit here in the shadows…

I hope to one day to let my past inspire other women to never be ashamed of their story… to not be scared to share it. I hope to help other women who been through the unspeakable and help regain themselves again.  I hope to be that person who women can turn to for guidance and safety.  I hope to be someone to help others find their happiness again and never ever feel alone.. I hope to be someone who helps others find the light to their dark tunnels.  

As I sit here in the shadows…

I know Us.. Women.. need to stand together and help one another in any way we can. Protect one another. Be there for one another.  Love one another.  And help one another find their light. No one deserves to go through hell alone… There is too much violence in this world and women need to stick together. Together… us women can overcome anything.