Piece by Piece

I get dressed.  I look at myself in the mirror.  Am I wearing too much makeup?  Does my outfit make me look "slutty"?  Is it okay that my stomach is showing a little?  Does this outfit make me look like I am just seeking attention?  I change my outfit... the questions repeat again in my mind.
When will I feel beautiful?  When will I start choosing to wear the things I truly like?  He used to tell me my outfits were slutty and that I should just stick with baggy athletic clothes.  I was always confused because I usually wear jeans, shirt, sweater and converse.

I lay awake at night replaying every memory in my head... of the fights, crying on the bathroom floor, wanting to hurt myself, wanting to just feel loved. How did I not notice the red flags in the beginning of the relationship? Why would I just take it when he called me disgusting names? Was I really that blinded by love?  I thought the things that occurred were just normal teenage relationship stuff... always being blamed for things I had no control over, being called names, watching him give attention to other girls, getting the silent treatment because he was pissed off about something in school.  Why did I allow that to go on for so long?  I was too busy bending over backwards for him that I never took a moment to reflect on what I want and need.

Every time I hear someone make a rape joke, my body turns numb.
Every time I see a picture of him smiling, my heart fills with anger.
Every time I hear his laugh, I cover my ears.
Every time I hear someone calling another person an evil name, my mind goes back to all the moments I was called names I will never forget.
Every time a stranger walks by my car, I make sure my doors are locked.
Every time I see him with another girl, I pray that she notices the red flags soon.

 I finally blocked him today on social media.  Will he get angry because I did that?  What if he shows up at my house?  Will my parents let him in or fight for me?  What if I see him in public?  Do I keep enjoying myself with my friends or leave?  Wait, stop... I am just overthinking...

Are all boys like him?  Do some boys respect sex and will still love me even if I am not ready for it? Someday I'll find a man who will respect me and love me despite my views.

Why?  Why do I constantly feel like this?  He is out there living his life while I am here.. still trying to heal after everything he has done.   I'm am tired of feeling like this.  It is time to start living my life... chasing after my goals that he would laugh at, thinking I couldn't accomplish them... surrounding myself with positive people.. living the unknown.  I deserve to put myself first and take care of me.  I never deserved to be mistreated.  What I went through is not who I am.  I am capable of anything I set my mind to.

Healing takes a long time... there will be the good moments and the bad moments.  Having bad moments is okay... as long as I get up and fight harder than before.

 I cannot wait to the day where I feel free.  Everyday escaped from abuse is another piece of the old me I will get back.  I lost myself and turned into something I was not proud of.  Someday... the pieces will slowly come together and I will truly be proud of the person I am. 

There is one thing I know for sure... Everything happens for a reason.  I will never give up.  I will live each moment to the fullest.