Let Love Find You

"I will be happy once I find someone who loves me."
"I want someone to love me."
"I want someone to make me feel worth it and beautiful."
"I want someone down for me and only me."

I have been hearing this too much lately.  It saddens me that people think they need to have someone to be happy. They think they will love themselves if someones appreciates and loves them. The truth is, if you do not love yourself,  how are you going to love someone? We have become so brainwashed to thinking that we need someone in order to be happy. You need to love yourself first. If you think negatively of yourself, people will too. It saddens me to see close friends think that they need someone to make them happy. When my life went down in a spiral, I was so unhappy and thought to myself, "maybe if I find someone who actually treats me right and with respect, I will be happy." But that is not the right thing to think. God kept repeating the same lesson over and over again until I understood the message... I need to love myself again before I get in another relationship.

Nowadays, we all search for love when we are broken and lonely inside. The thing is, you should not search for love. Let love find you. Love will find your when God's timing is right, not when you want it to happen. You need to learn to love yourself first.

Look yourself in the mirror each day and say "I am beautiful. I am worth it." Keep saying it to yourself until you believe in. Wear clothes you love! Do not change your style for anyone. If today you want to wear an outfit that does not match, then so be it. You are in control of your life. Go places by yourself. Keep doing it until you experience peace in just sitting alone and enjoying yourself. Go to a coffee shop. Go to Panera. Go to the park. Take a walk. It is OK to do things alone. It is important to do things alone sometimes. Take risks.. say hi to that boy staring at you in the coffee shop. Get that tattoo that the old people keep saying you will regret someday. Do things out of your comfort zone. If you are not happy with your body, start working out. Do not make excuses. Go to the gym or take a walk or go for a run. Exercising makes you full of energy. Eat whatever you want! If you want to eat sushi everyday, that is OK. Do the things you are passionate about. If you love drawing, draw away. If you love community service, keep on helping out. Stop comparing yourself to others. What you been through is completely different to what someone else been through. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Embrace your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Let go of the past. Accept that apology you never got and forgive so you can move forward. Holding on to the past is toxic. The people who hurt you are not in your life for a reason. Allow yourself to laugh at yourself. If you trip, laugh. Smile more. Smile at others while you pass them. A smile can change someone's day in matter of a second. Stop being so judgmental. We all judge each other but it is not right to judge. Enjoy the little things in life... take a picture of the sunset, drive with the windows down, smile because someone noticed you got your haircut. Learn to accept the fact that people will talk no matter what you do in life. But your job is not to please them, it is to please you. 

Please, learn to love yourself first and stop waiting and/or wanting for someone to love you. Let love find you..

Piece by Piece

I get dressed.  I look at myself in the mirror.  Am I wearing too much makeup?  Does my outfit make me look "slutty"?  Is it okay that my stomach is showing a little?  Does this outfit make me look like I am just seeking attention?  I change my outfit... the questions repeat again in my mind.
When will I feel beautiful?  When will I start choosing to wear the things I truly like?  He used to tell me my outfits were slutty and that I should just stick with baggy athletic clothes.  I was always confused because I usually wear jeans, shirt, sweater and converse.

I lay awake at night replaying every memory in my head... of the fights, crying on the bathroom floor, wanting to hurt myself, wanting to just feel loved. How did I not notice the red flags in the beginning of the relationship? Why would I just take it when he called me disgusting names? Was I really that blinded by love?  I thought the things that occurred were just normal teenage relationship stuff... always being blamed for things I had no control over, being called names, watching him give attention to other girls, getting the silent treatment because he was pissed off about something in school.  Why did I allow that to go on for so long?  I was too busy bending over backwards for him that I never took a moment to reflect on what I want and need.

Every time I hear someone make a rape joke, my body turns numb.
Every time I see a picture of him smiling, my heart fills with anger.
Every time I hear his laugh, I cover my ears.
Every time I hear someone calling another person an evil name, my mind goes back to all the moments I was called names I will never forget.
Every time a stranger walks by my car, I make sure my doors are locked.
Every time I see him with another girl, I pray that she notices the red flags soon.

 I finally blocked him today on social media.  Will he get angry because I did that?  What if he shows up at my house?  Will my parents let him in or fight for me?  What if I see him in public?  Do I keep enjoying myself with my friends or leave?  Wait, stop... I am just overthinking...

Are all boys like him?  Do some boys respect sex and will still love me even if I am not ready for it? Someday I'll find a man who will respect me and love me despite my views.

Why?  Why do I constantly feel like this?  He is out there living his life while I am here.. still trying to heal after everything he has done.   I'm am tired of feeling like this.  It is time to start living my life... chasing after my goals that he would laugh at, thinking I couldn't accomplish them... surrounding myself with positive people.. living the unknown.  I deserve to put myself first and take care of me.  I never deserved to be mistreated.  What I went through is not who I am.  I am capable of anything I set my mind to.

Healing takes a long time... there will be the good moments and the bad moments.  Having bad moments is okay... as long as I get up and fight harder than before.

 I cannot wait to the day where I feel free.  Everyday escaped from abuse is another piece of the old me I will get back.  I lost myself and turned into something I was not proud of.  Someday... the pieces will slowly come together and I will truly be proud of the person I am. 

There is one thing I know for sure... Everything happens for a reason.  I will never give up.  I will live each moment to the fullest. 

You choose

Welcome... to society. 

Do not be skinny.  They will all think you are anorexic.  They will make fun of you because you can eat whatever you want without gaining a pound.  Do not be chunky.  They will think you do not take care of yourself. No boy wants a chunky  girl.  That is just too gross.  The boy want a girl who is skinny... but not too skinny, big breasts, big butt, shiny white teeth, no acne and good clothing.  Make sure you fit all of their expectations or else you are not "good enough" for them. Boys, if you share your feelings... your dad will not look at you the same anymore.  Do not stand up for what you believe in.  They will just think you are a kid trying to start trouble.  The person you thought you would be with forever, dumps you because their ego is bursting. 
You are a great person.  You do well in school.  You play sports,.  You have a job.  You pray every night and have goals for yourself. So why is it not enough for him/her? You give him/her chances after chances.  Each time he/she leaves you more hurt than before.
You wonder to yourself...

 "Why am I not good enough?" 

"Why does he/she chase after other people when they have a great person, me... standing right in front of them.  Me, who loves unconditionally??"

"Should I change who I am to make he/she fall back in love with me??"

"Love does not just go away... How can he/she just walk away from me so easily without hesitation?"

Do not be friendly.  They will think you are fake.  Do not be quiet.  They will think you are rude.  Do not listen to songs that are from 'High School Musical'.  You must listen to rap music that encourages sex... music that calls girls nasty names... music that encourages the use of drugs... music that blares curse words...

Do not self-harm.  You are only asking for attention when you do that.  Instead, get piercings and tattoos because that turns pain into a beautiful thing.  Drink to forget the heartache for awhile.  No, do not drink.  You are trashy if you drink.

It is okay for your boyfriend to cheat on you.  Your boyfriend can text girls, sleep with girls, flirt with girls all they want.  But do not share with him how that makes you feel.  You will just be a "jealous bitch" for being hurt.  He ends up breaking up with you.  He talks to multiple girls and sleeps with them to try and make you more jealous.  It brings him satisfaction knowing that it made you jealous.

Tweet on Twitter like it is your dairy.  Tweet about the people you dislike on Twitter.  Post everything you hate about the world on Facebook.  The best part is, sit and do nothing about it after you complained on Facebook.  Fight about the flags on Facebook. Boys, post shirtless pictures on Instagram.  Girls, post pictures with your breasts showing on Instagram. Post on Facebook how you  blame Obama for you order at McDonald's being messed up.  It is all his fault.

Go to church where the preachers scold others for being gay/bi/lesbian. It is the worst sin if you do not marry someone of the opposite gender.  It is not bad if you commit adultery, have sex before marriage or divorce.

Do not tell others that you follow an religion.  You are a freak for that.  Do not tell others if you do not believe in any religion.  You will end up in Hell for that...

Be careful what you wear.  You may get raped.  Do not speak out about your rape.  You are only asking for attention when you do that.  You are just a liar.  You asked for it.  No one believes you... unless they have experienced rape themselves. 

Do not go to college.  Do you know how many loans you are going to have to pay off?  Go to college.  You will be more successful if you do. Work long days.  You will have money to provide for your family.  Do not work long days.  Go to your child's sporting events and eat dinner with your family.  You'll be a pushover though if you put your family before work.  Never divorce... even if your partner is abusive or cheating on you.  Only divorce your partner if you are too lazy to work through the hard times. 

Stop.

Do you see how cruel we have all become?

We are so busy judging others that we forget to look in the mirrors.

Why do we spend so much time knocking others down when really... we should be building one another up.

We are our own worst enemies.  We do not need others to help bring us down.

We all make mistakes.  We learn from mistakes.  We all have had heartaches... whether it was because he/she rather chase others than be with someone who loves them unconditionally or broken up due to other circumstances.  We all have hopes and dreams.  We all have our own beliefs.  We all have some memories that will haunt us forever.  We all have a story that no one knows about.

We can decide to make changes... or sit and do nothing about our cruel society. You choose...

We blame society... but we are society.  Life is short.  Forgive the ones who have hurt you.  Take lots of pictures.  Never leave important words unsaid.  Remind the ones you care about that you love them.  Always stand up for what you believe in.  Eat that extra scoop of ice cream.  Never give up on the ones you love.  Appreciate what you have right in front of you. If you know someone who loves you unconditionally. never take them for granted... please.  Live life to the fullest.  Do what makes you happy.  Remember that love always wins.  You do not need a reason to help people.... just help that elder lady cross the street without hesitation.  Think with your mind and act with your heart.  Everything happens for a reason.  If something is meant to be, it will find its way.  When you feel like you are about to give up, call me.  I will always be here.  Be nice to others.  You do not know what battles they face everyday.  Find something positive in every daunting situation.  Do not believe everything someone says... they can be fooling you and you could end up in an abusive relationship.  Hear people out when they warn you about someone.  Do what truly makes you happy.  Do what is best for you. It is time that we all look deep into society and make changes that we wish to see. 

Just please promise me one thing...

To NEVER ever give up.   

To the boy...

To the boy who starts to fall for me: there are some things you should know about me before you begin to fall.  When I am sitting in bed eating ice cream out of a carton, it is because I am feeling low.     I watch TV shows on Netflix to escape from my life for awhile because sometimes, life just really sucks. I do not enjoy romance movies because they give you unrealistic expectations of love.  You do not need to buy me things to make me love you more. I enjoy the little things the most... Kisses on the cheek, tight hugs, holding hands, holding the door for me. I am a little kid at heart and love jamming out to High School Musical.  I love listening to Taylor Swift songs because I can relate to her. 'Annie' is my favorite musical ever. I have a lot of goals for myself and I hope you support me in my goals. I want to revise laws to help children in foster cares have more rights. I want to help those who have been abused in anyway. Before I retire, I want to have a foster home built in open farmland.  I want the child to feel safe and have positive role models who teach them good life skills and lessons.  I will become a foster mom someday and I hope you will support my decision.  I love to do adventerious things like hiking and kayaking. I do not like being lazy, only on rainy days.  I want to travel a lot and see new places with you. I will cook for you... But if you order me to make you something, you can make that yourself then.  I love to surprise and spoil you.  So expect lots of surprises.  When I give you your birthday gift, I will help you open it because I get too excited. You will know what every facial expression of mine means... Whether it is when I'm mad, upset, happy, excited.  I want you to hang out with your friends.  I do not want you to lose friends because of me. Seeing you happy with your friends makes me happy.  I will support every goal and dream you have. I want to help you accomplish them. I want to be your number one supporter. I love to go on long car rides and just talk about life. I want to know everything about you... Your worst fear, your biggest mistake, how your first heartbreak changed you, what side of the bed you like to sleep on.  I want to see every side of you... Happy side, angry, nervous, scared, sad, excited. I will send you pins of quotes that I love on Pinterest.  Expect sappy Good Morning and Nighty texts.  I will love you unconditionally. I will not end things just because you made a mistake.  I will give you numerous chances.  But there will come a time when enough chances are enough.  I have a lot of flaws that I cannot change about myself.  I hope you accept my flaws.  I fight for what I love and I will never stop fighting for you.  I see all the positives in you and only focus on the positives. I will love every little thing about you.... The way your eyes light up when you talk about something you are passionate about, the way your lips form a smile when all you want to do is cry, the face you make when you are mad, the way your nose scrunches when you laugh.  I hope you know when I run my hands against my thighs it is because I am nervous or anxious about something. I hope you know that if you break my heart, my sister will come after you. I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped to shreds and I will never hurt you the way I have been hurt.  I know how it feels to not feel good enough for someone, and trust me babe, you are worth it to me. I will never call you hurtful names no matter how angry I am. I want to be involved with your family and be that positive role model to your younger siblings. I hope you like my parents. They will do anything for you and they will protect me if they sense you are a bad influence to me. Because they were there, when I got my heart broken and they do not want to see me like that again. I know every relationship brings pain and that you just have to know what pain is worth having for someone you love. Too much pain is not OK.  I will write you a lot of letters. Writing helps me express my thoughts. They aren't those short simple letters... They are those long letters that I pour my heart onto.

I do not know who I am yet... I am still trying to find my way in this crazy world. I will have a lot of weak moments but those weak moments encourage me to get back up and fight like hell. I am human and make mistakes.  I am not perfect.


It would be a very boring relationship if I told you everything I truly know about myself at this moment in my life.  If you want to know every little thing about me.... You have to discover them yourself. Everyday, you will learn something new about me so I wish you luck as you unravel my past, passions, fears, goals... Who I am.

Warrior

In life, obstacles are thrown at you.  Each obstacle changes you in some way.  Some are bigger changes than others.  Each obstacle will knock you down.  You have to make the decision whether you want to stay on the ground and let the obstacle destroy you, or you can stand back up, speak out about what you believe and continue on fighting.  It will be hard to fight because there is always the haters and the doubters, but sometimes you have to stand alone. I once heard the ones who stand alone against the evil, have the strongest wings and will do anything to achieve their dreams and fly.

I have multiple dreams.  Now, before I share my dreams, I just wanted to say that I am not a crazy seventeen year old who dreams things and will end up doing nothing to accomplish it.  I have already begun my journey.  I have watched friends who I dearly care about go in foster care. 

Foster care is not the best place to put a child.  The child has no contact with their friends who care about them.  Oftentimes, the agencies do not allow the child to have a phone or social media.  They have to visit family members every so often when they were never asked if they were comfortable with seeing them.  Children are put into foster care because of their parents or guardians. But then the parents bend over backwards to "prove" to the agencies that they deserve their child back.  The child is brought back home and then the nightmare begins all over again.   There are many reasons as to why a parent may put the child in foster care.  They may just put the child there because they are too lazy to care for their child. Maybe because they think their child is bad just for making decisions that most teenagers make, such as dating, going to social events, trying alcohol once, cutting themselves ? Maybe because the parent decides to put their own needs before the child? Maybe because the parent could not handle how depressed their child is? Maybe because the parent emotionally abused their child but now because the child is so torn up inside, they send them away before someone can really see what kind of monster they are?  I am not saying that these are all the reasons as to why a child is put into a foster care.  There are the single parents with One child who are battling cancer and cannot even care for themselves anymore.  There are the teenage moms who do not have all the resources at to raise a baby because they do not have any family support. 

I have friends who have been in foster care.  Some are not in foster care anymore.  Some are still in foster care.  I will not give any names out or share details that should not be shared.  Whatever they tell me, stays confidential.  But what I can tell you, moving from foster home to facilities to shelters, does not help the child heal at all.  My friends, are the strongest people I have ever met.  I am so glad they are a part of my life.  They inspire me to improve the foster systems and the children and youth systems the best I can.  Sending your child off somewhere is the worst thing you could do to your kid.  Right there, that is BETRAYAL. A parent is supposed to love their child unconditionally and help their child through the hard times, no matter how many times they say they do not need you help.  A child will always need their parents help.  Seeing my friends in so much pain brings pain to me.  It brings pain to me knowing that their are so many kids out there in the foster system.  The foster system needs improved greatly.  Instead of putting the child with a family they know in a home they feel comfortable in, they put them somewhere they are blocked from the outside world.  They do not check up on the foster families very often.  Sometimes, people who foster kids are only in it for the money.  They can use the money on themselves and just neglect the child. 

I wish I could share all their amazing stories but due to reasons, it is best not to share them right now.  One day, I will tell the world how each of those individuals impacted my life.  I will begin to share one.  Just recently,  I was at a Democratic State Committee event.  I was there to help Cole Goodman out with his campaign.  Cole Goodman is running to be a board member of the Susquehanna Township School District.  While I was there,  I was introduced to a someone.  I began talking to her and as time rolled on, she opened up to me and told me that she is a foster child.  As she was talking, I just kept thinking to myself, "what did this beautiful girl with an amazing soul do to deserve any of the hurt she has been through?  Why do children have to go through this hell?"  She explained how she has been to multiple institutions.  Some of the places were awful and she will be haunted by those experiences forever.  Luckily, there were a few institutions that were nice and did not treat you like you were a prisoner.   Listening to her answered so many questions that I had about my other friends who have been through similar situations also.  It also helped more about foster care, children and youth system and about institutions.  This amazing girl has experienced so much.  She has been in institutions, shelters and foster homes.  I cannot express how much she inspired me.  Through all the bad times she has been through, she still manages to smile and goof around.  We shared quite a handful of laughs that day.  She inspired me to speak out about scars that I have.  Everyone has scars, whether they are visible or not.  Each scar has a story. A story that says, "I have survived."  People tend to judge and criticize scars when they really have no idea what happened or what is going on at the moment.  I have not lost contact with her.  I will continue to be her #1 supporter.  I will always be there to pick her up when she falls.  I will fight for her.  I will try my best to protect her.  She is an amazing girl.  She is beautiful.  Her laugh is contagious.  Being around her, makes everything I do worth it.  I will do anything for her. She knows who she is and I hope she is reading this right now and knows that I am here for here. She is my inspiration, along with every other person out there who is going through tough battles.  I will always protect and fight for the ones I love and care about.

I have many goals in life.  I want to be the change I wish to see.  I want to change laws.  I want to improve foster care.  I want to improve the children and youth system.  I want to help the children out there who have been abused and are afraid to speak out.  My journey has already begun.  I have spoke out about four people so far.  I will continue to speak out and stand up for what I believe in.  I want to help those children who are runaways.  In my future, I will have a house built.  It will be a farmhouse.  A place where foster children can live. I want to build a secure, friendly foster home for children to go to.  I want the child to enjoy their stay and feel safe.  I do not want the child to feel unwanted, treated unfairly or feel trapped inside due to all the strict rules that foster agencies have.  I want to make a change.  I WILL make a change.  Little by little, I will make a change.  I could not do this without any of these amazing people I have met.  Sometimes, the bad things that happen in life lead us to journeys that will change millions of other lives for the better.

Disney Princesses and Love

Disney Princesses Snow White and Aurora, show children that being kissed will save you from death.  This leads children into thinking that they are invulnerable as long as they are kissed by anyone.  In the movies, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and The Little Mermaid, there is a trend that all of those have.  Once the princess finds their true love, the prince is to provide for them and fully take care of them.  There is nothing wrong with the prince taking care of his princess and providing her with her wants and needs.  It is the fact that this trend re-occurs frequently and it makes women appear as very dependent and unable to care for themselves.  In reality, a women needs to be independent and care and love themselves before they can love someone and devote themselves to their prince.  Little girls look up to these Disney princesses as role models and do whatever they can to be "just like them."  Disney princesses set unrealistic examples of how a women in society "should look like."  Each princess is flawless and very skinny.  None of the princesses have acne or crooked teeth or uneven skin tones.  This leads young girls to have low self-esteem because they feel in order to be "beautiful," you have to look like a Disney Princess.  In these movies, the princess finds her prince and they live "happily ever after" and then the movie ends.  The movies to not show the troubles that come with relationships.  Relationships are not always a fairytale.  Things go wrong.  The prince can turn into a villain.  Sometimes, prince charming begins to abuse the women and that is NOT how any prince should treat you.  Sometimes, prince charming could have an affair.  Relationships have their uphill battles but you have to choose what you are willing to fight for and what you are willing to let go.  If you love someone, you should treat them with respect and never give up no matter how bumpy the road may be.  There will be fights.  There will be jealously.  There will be insecurities.  There will be the nights where you will be slamming the doors instead of kissing goodnight.  Every love story is different and beautiful in its own way.  A person who loves you truly will never let you go no matter how messy the situation is.  In the end, love conquers all.  Disney movies show young girls that the good looking men are the prince for them.  Just because a man is attractive, does not mean their heart is warm and loving in the inside.  The most attractive boy could end up being an abuser or serial killer.  Personality is more important than looks.  When you fall in the love with someone, all their little imperfections become beauty to you.  You look at your love and you realize they are perfect in every way.  Every word that comes from their mouth makes your heart smile inside.  You wonder how you gotten so lucky to be in love and find someone who means so much to you.  Everyone has flaws.  Do not just go for a man because they are the definition of "attractive" that we use in society today.  Go for the man who warms your heart with every word he speaks and makes you feel bubbly inside.  Yes, go for someone you find physically attractive, but do not let their looks be the only reason you date them.  Disney princesses also showed young girls that they need a man in order to "feel" complete and happy.  You do NOT need a man in order to be happy.  You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone.  A man should add on to your happiness you already have inside.  If you were not happy before a relationship and the prince is the only reason why you are happy now, how do you think you will feel if you two break up?  You will feel even more sadness then you felt before dating your prince.  Disney princesses set a very bad example to young girls and women all across the globe.  Ariel trusts a stranger, Ursula, who said that she will do everything he can to help Ariel become human so she can marry her prince.  Ursula turns out to be a liar and curses Ariel.  This is an accurate example of how strangers can be.  This also shows young girls that it is okay to trust strangers.  I wonder if there would be a fewer number of kidnappings if Disney movies have never shown that it is okay to trust strangers.  So often, we hear about kidnappings in society where a sketchy van pulls up to a child.  The kidnapper tells the child that there is candy in the car and that he/she can have some if they come in the car.  The child trusts the stranger, there ends up not being any candy in the car, and the child is kidnapped.  I am not saying you should not trust any strangers.  Not all strangers are heartless like in the example I have just given.
Disney princesses show women that it is okay to give up everything for someone you just met, to allow a boy to abuse you and maybe if you stay with the villain long enough that they will turn into a prince again(Beauty and the Beast) or that it is okay to change who you are in order to be "loved."  These movies have set unrealistic expectations to relationships and how women should "dress" and "act" in order for a man to wish to be their prince.  We need to end these unrealistic expectations and teach society that relationships are rarely like any Disney or cheesy romance movie. 
Love is accepting someone for who they are.  Love is when you do not try to change the other person.  Love is standing by your prince even through the worse of times.  Love is when you do not judge their past.  Love means accepting their faults and insecurities.  Love means being patient.  If you cannot be with someone you love right now, if it is meant to be, it will find its way sometime in the future.  Love is loving someone when they are in the darkest moments and love is protecting them from evil.  Most importantly, Love NEVER fails. 

Be the Change

We live in such a cruel world.  Wrong.  We live in a cruel society of people.  We often complain how cruel the society is, but how many of us actually speak up and try to make a positive difference?

We live in a society where a reason why someone is raped is because their clothes were too revealing or tight.  Where people murder an innocent person.  Where we throw a fit if our order at a restaurant is wrong when there are children starving in Africa.  Where teachers give a student detention for sleeping in class when that student was up all night helping his mom who has cancer.  Where writing your personal problems on social media seems like a better solution than going to a therapist to talk about it.  Where people think they are "too cool" to respect their parents.  Where adults think it is OK to abuse their child or spouse because they feel like it.  Where it is so hard for children to get help because police think they are just a troubled child and lying because they do not like their parents' rules.  Where people all the sudden show support and love for a person once they die.  Where people think the girl who cuts herself in their class is only doing it for attention.  Where lovers break up or divorce just because the road starts to get bumpy.  Where celebrities and athletes receive more attention than the troops who are fighting for our country.  Where people who are harmful will do any destruction to protect their reputation.  Where parents will put their job ahead of their children.  Where people say sorry with no meaning behind it.  Where we decide to text at the dinner table instead of listening and talking about each other's day.  Where people blame others instead of taking the blame.  Where lying is easier than telling someone the truth, or even when people think it is OK to put someone down in any type of way to make themselves feel more powerful.

We are all responsible for how society is today.  Do you want to be known as a random old person who died when you die?  Or do you want to be known as someone who spoke out to help make a difference in this society today?

Be the change you want to see happen.  If you change your thoughts, you can change your world you see through your eyes.  Together, we can make a difference.